this morning i went to the gym again. i wasn’t planning on it, but i felt like i really want a tuesday/thursday/saturday gym schedule. so i decided that iw as going to go again today and again on saturday to get me started on that schedule. i also asked the front desk about a personal trainer.

i’ve gained so much weight since… well since i’ve gained this weight. i can’t remember how much i’ve weighed in the last few years. i don’t own a scale (i need one), so i don’t normally moniter my weight. i just know that i’ve gained because i can’t fit into certain clothes anymore, or i can, but it just looks and feels uncomfortable. so buying new clothes right now is tough because i don’t want to buy anything too large and i don’t want to get rid of anything too small right now. i really want to fit in those clothes again! some of my favorite shirts are too small for me now! and if i do, no - when i lose the weight that i want to lose, i don’t want to go back to wearing baggy clothes like i did in high school.

so i need to be serious about this. i need to start taking care of my body. if i’m not happy with the way i look, how can i expect anyone else to be?

lately, i’ve been listening to a lot of dance music again. i love all types of music and it’s hard to focus on any one type of genre. if i’m into an artist at the moment, i listen to all those songs and songs similar. so if i tend to like someone really mellow and depressing, i’ll submerse myself into that type of music and i find that it affects my mood. i tend to become mellow and sulky and nostalgic.

(more…)

for those of you who are catholic out there, or at least raised catholic like me, you would know that today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. the story goes that Jesus walked in the desert for forty days and forty nights, etc. during this time, catholics everywhere would give up something to sacrifice for Jesus ending with celebrations on Easter Sunday.

i don’t consider myself catholic. my family is, and i was when i was younger, until i realized a lot about my spiritual path. but this entry isn’t about that.

one of the traditions i do/try to follow every year is sacrificing something for Lent.

(more…)

he was the first real relationship i ever had. he was my first love. i guess you can say i never got over him. over what happened. and to this day i’m still dealing with issues from the aftermath. mostly because i’m still not really sure what happened, how it happened, and why it happened the way it did.

for 3 to 5 years, he disappeared. i say three to five, because during those first two years, we had some sort of random contact. via email or phone. when i moved to SF, i had to change my number, and there was no way to contact him to give him my new one. the number he gave me no longer worked. i had lost contact with him.

(more…)

i can never say this enough. i always feel so much better after a new haircut.

yes. that’s one hell of a cheesey grin.

so, i’ve decided to try and quit smoking again. i’m on the patch.

i know the instructions say that it’s best to wait until the morning to throw it on, but i couldn’t wait. so i went out and bought a box, took a patch out, and slapped it on my arm.

here’s hoping it works this time around.

i finally went to a yoga class last night and it totally kicked my ass. i had no idea what i was doing half the time and i could barely keep up with what i could do.

i know most of it has to do with my being out of shape and it will only get easier the more i do this. but a lot of it has to do with not knowing the moves and being unable to mimic everyone else in the class.

so i ended up leaving half-way through the class. it was just way too advanced for me. but instead of feeling like a complete loser, i decided not to stop trying.

i just signed up for a beginner’s workshop on sunday and i plan to go back to the same class on tuesday with a little more knowledge and confidence. (unless i learn from the workshop that another class is a better fit for me. but we’ll deal with that when the time comes.)

but for now i’d like to stick with vinyasa yoga. my friend suggested it and i went out and tried it and liked it. but, of course, i was sweating buckets and my knees and arms were shaking for more than half the time. but that only means it’s a good workout.

i know if i keep this up, it’ll be good for me. physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

a thought just occurred to me (again? this is my third attempt at quitting smoking): sure it seems fine while i’m at work and i have lots to do to keep my mind off lighting up, but what about this weekend?

assuming i stay away from alcohol and partying, i’ll still have all of saturday and all of sunday to find things to do. sometimes i get bored and i’ll go out for a smoke. or i’ll eat. i don’t want to replace smoking with eating. with the patch, i’m having less cravings. but i still have all that time to fill.

maybe i’ll write a book. that book i’ve been trying to write for the past eight years.

as of this morning, i’m on the patch.

so far, it’s surprisingly easy. at first, it felt like i was going cold turkey. but after an hour or so, i’m fine. i guess it took a bit to work its way into my system.

the only other problem is just dealing with my triggers. i haven’t been outside yet, but i can imagine the moment i step out the door, i’ll get the urge to light up.

as of this moment though, i feel like i have a lot of time on my hands. more time than i know what to do with.

i’m considering starting this yoga class tomorrow. i think i really should. it would be a great way to get back into exercising. plus, this class seems like a great way to get back to myself spiritually. it’s not just one of those yoga classes you get when you sign up at a gym. the people running it, i know at least one of them, seems to have it together spiritually.

i’m hoping to get back to basics by my birthday. i’m hoping to be smoke free and on my way to a healthy mind and body.