he was the first real relationship i ever had. he was my first love. i guess you can say i never got over him. over what happened. and to this day i’m still dealing with issues from the aftermath. mostly because i’m still not really sure what happened, how it happened, and why it happened the way it did.

for 3 to 5 years, he disappeared. i say three to five, because during those first two years, we had some sort of random contact. via email or phone. when i moved to SF, i had to change my number, and there was no way to contact him to give him my new one. the number he gave me no longer worked. i had lost contact with him.

i knew he was living on the streets. i knew his life was for the most part pretty unstable. for the better part of five years, he was lost to me.

but every now and then i’d do a search for him. mostly on google or networking sites. usually with no luck. he had an issue with his full name. he hadn’t decided on which name he wanted to use, and he definitely didn’t want to use the one on his driver’s license. or at least the license he had at the time we were together.

but i’d search for all combinations. trying to find an inkling of his existence. just so i would know he was alive.

finally today, i did a search. i can’t remember the last time i did one. but for some reason, it was like he was always there. there were songs and music posted up on this one site, which for some strange reason, i’ve only just discovered last night. and it turns out that the google search was bringing up all these results from that site. once i found that, it linked to the full name he listed and his alias he’s going by with his music. from there, i found his myspace and his music production site.

at first i was in shock. five years of trying to find an online presence for him and getting nothing. and now all of a sudden, it’s like he’s been there all along.

i’m still in shock. i’m happy to know he’s alive and well. reading up on him, and finding out what he’s been through doesn’t make things any easier. especially knowing that i should take responsibility for some, if not most, of what he’s been through.

i still have these issues i guess. i wonder what it would’ve been like if things were different. if i only i took a different path with him. if i stayed a little bit longer. if i just gave just a little bit more of myself into helping him.

i’m not sure how i feel right now. i’m not sure how to act. i’ve sent him an email. i don’t know if he’ll get it. but i thought it wouldn’t hurt to let him know that i never did forget about him. i don’t know what he’s going through right now or if i even matter anymore. but i guess i wanted to let him know that i didn’t forget, and that i know he’s there, and that i’m happy he’s alive.

he’s destined for great things. he’s an upandcoming indie rock star now apparently. and i wish him all the best.

i’m just so glad he’s off the streets. i’m happy that he’s doing what he loves and what he does best. he was always a survivor.

maybe it’s time for me to finally close this chapter.

maybe i finally have an ending to my story.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 10th, 2007 at 4:37 pm and is filed under Mind and Body. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.